I'm Still Alive

Recenty I have been going through a very rough time in my life. I've been up and down and all around with depression and anxiety. As I have been going day to day, barely hanging on some days, I had decided I was beyond help. Apparently I have not gone unnoticed. After a few phone calls from certain people and an appointment with the bishop, I have decided that maybe, just maybe I am not beyond help. I am sorry to those I have drug through the dark depths of my own personal hell. I realize that I have been more than just a little stubborn these past months. And even though I thought all along I didn't want any help, I was truly screaming out for help from anybody. I was praying that some day I just might make it through this still alive. I have said and done some pretty horrible things to those that I love the most (namely my husband, Dave). I know that right now I am still in the thick of things. I started to take medication, but then took myself off of it cold turkey. That of course made things WAY worse for all of us. I have refused to go to counseling or talk to anybody about my problems. Only in the past several days have I started to open up to my closest friends about how deep i really am in horrible depression. Maybe my prayers were answered by being asked to talk with the bishop. But I really think it was the prayers of my friends and family that inspired him to call us in for an appointment. No matter how it happened, it happened and I am almost grateful it did. It is still a little too soon for me to know if I really am ready to get the help we all know I need. I know none of this really makes much sense, but the way I see it--nobody will actually read it anyway, so it doesn't need to make sense.

I am still trying to work things through in my crazy brain. I have a lot of things that need to be fixed because I was too depressed to see that I was destroying the most important parts of my life ever so slowly. So, as I go through the next 3 months I hope that I will be able to become a new person. Or the old me would work just fine too. And if you are lucky...I might keep posting blogs from time to time. I hope it can become a habit for me. Anyway, Until next time!